Self Acceptance: Learning to Love Yourself Unconditionally

We talk a lot about Self Esteem and Self Acceptance and how both are necessary to a healthy mental state. Self Esteem is defined as a feeling of having respect for yourself and your abilities, according to Merriam Webster. It is about self worth and value and specifically how valuable we feel to ourselves, our family, community — what good we have to offer. Self Acceptance, on the other hand, is seeing the good and bad qualities that we have and loving ourselves anyway. It’s difficult to improve your self esteem without learning greater self acceptance.

Self acceptance, like self esteem, is developed early on in childhood and young adulthood. We get feedback from parents, teachers, coaches, peers etc and that feeds into our own self valuation. If parents are overly critical with little positive feedback our self acceptance level can be abysmally low. In fact children can learn, through negative comments about things such as hair, weight, behavior or even eye color, that they are less worthy than a sibling or peer. A parent that praises one child for a skill while berating another child for being overweight is setting up, unwittingly, a life long struggle with self acceptance.

It can be challenging for a child, now an adult, to turn off those voices of inadequacy when the person who we placed all of our trust in couldn’t see past those superficial flaws. The child, who is now an adult, believes that since the parent (or other caretaker, authority figure, etc…) couldn’t see past the flaw no one else must be able to as well. There is a sense of futility especially if the perceived flaw is something that can’t be changed.

So how do you go about accepting yourself, warts an all?

We are our own worst critics. Most of us can’t walk by a mirror without making some internal criticism about the way we look. Many of use even express those negative feelings verbally. The little voice that plays over and over in your head telling you your hair is too messy, your chest isn’t big enough and your butt is too big is playing in everyone’s head. The trick is to ignore it, better yet tell it to take a hike.

Kicking that little voice of self doubt out is a great idea but for most of us we’ve been living with it for so long it’s taken up permanent residency in our brains. However, with a little perseverance it is possible to quiet that voice and replace it with self loving affirmations.

1. Take Stock – So you aren’t the best dancer, so what? Certainly you have great qualities, now is the time to consider them and write them down. Are you a good listener? That’s a fantastic quality. Are you organized? That’s another great quality that many strive to have. Write down all your good qualities, don’t be shy and don’t worry about being perceived as a braggart. Only you need to see this list.

2. Let Others Love You – Surround yourself with people who care and love you. Don’t socialize or confide in people who bring you down or add more negativity to your belief system.

3. Set a Goal – Start each day with an affirmation instead of a negative critique of your shortcomings. Tell yourself that you are the best you you can be and that you deserve your love and acceptance.

4. Forgive yourself – If you’ve made some mistakes in the past (and who hasn’t?) accept them and forgive yourself for them. Learn from them and then let them go.

5. Find new Dreams – And accept the ones that aren’t going to come to fruition and then forgive yourself for not reaching them. Set attainable goals and dreams and then chart how you’re going to reach them. Build on the confidence gained from achieving a reasonable goal and then set larger ones.

6. Do for Others – Nothing is more satisfying than doing for others. It focuses the attention outward instead of inward where criticism can grow. Volunteering also increases self worth.

7. Let go of the Past – Focus your energy on things you are able to control instead of hanging on to the things you have no control over. The serenity prayer makes a wonderful mantra.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

8. Be Kind – Be kind to yourself and others. By practicing kindness on others it will become easier to be kind to yourself. Accepting your flaws can be difficult but if you can do it in your friends, peers, coworkers, parents and children you should be able to accept some of your own shortcomings.

9. Turn off that Critical Voice – When that inner voice starts to tell you your too fat, too stupid or too wrong tell it to shut up and then find something loving to fill the voice.

10. Visualization – See yourself as the better you. The one who is confident, attractive and smart. If you believe you are the things you wish to be you will become them.