My Son Has Depression, I’m Afraid He’ll Hurt Himself

“I am the mother of a 32 year old son suffering from depression. What can I do to get him help? He is totally in denial about his mood disorder and refuses to see any professional. He sees his depression as normal, due to what he describes as a “lousy childhood.” I am so afraid he will hurt himself.” 

So, you are asking one of the $64,000 questions. This is a question that provides no easy answer for any parent of an adult child with a psychiatric mood disorder. To stand by and watch your child self-destruct is extremely painful and virtually impossible. Yet, there is often little or nothing to be done for a resistant adult.

Your question is sketchy. I want to provide additional important aspects to such a situation. Has your son had a recent physical examination? Has he been formally evaluated for depression, and has he ever been in treatment? Does he live independently, or is he living with you? Is he married or single? Does he work? If so, is he able to support himself? If not working, is he on any type of disability? What are his patterns of sleeping, eating, and general life style? To what extent is his depression having a negative effect on you? How do his father and/or other family and friends fit into the picture, and how are their lives influenced?

Your responses to these questions will help to provide an appropriate answer. I might begin by suggesting that there is little that you can do to influence your son to seek treatment. If he is still in denial, he is quite resistant to any intervention. It is only when he, himself, recognizes the extent to which depression has a negative effect on how he wishes his life to be that he will begin to see the need for help. I suggest that your role be the same as that of any interested and concerned person. It is important for you to not be unduly influenced by him and his behavior. He must begin to realize the consequences of his behavior. You can help by pointing out the consequences that you recognize and/or provide. For instance, do you give or loan him money? Do you let him borrow the car? Do you allow him to live with you rent-free or for a very small amount? Are there other ways in which you enable him? Your role is to keep from feeling sorry for him and keep from feeling guilty. On a positive note, your role is to set limits and provide consequences for actions that can negatively affect you and other members of your family. By being reasonable in your requests and being firm in your expectations, you have the best chance of facilitating his movement from denial to seeing the possible need for treatment.

Finally, as usual, I suggest that you contact NAMI or DBSA for support and encouragement. The family members who attend their meetings will be instrumental in helping you help your son and yourself.

Dr. Manuel S. Silverman, PhD