Caring for Someone with Dementia

“My 89 year old mother lives with me. Her short term memory is very poor, and her mood swings are dramatic. The least innocuous remark on my part will set her off, and no amount of explanation will calm her. Her agitation seems to subside when she is left alone. I have a mood disorder myself, and it takes all I can muster to be mindful of and pay attention to both her and the promotion of my own mental health. Usually I attend to myself by leaving the house for a few hours. Is there anything I can do to contain her moods? “

Being the caretaker for an adult with a mood disorder, regardless of age, is draining, both physically and emotionally. A formal medical and psychiatric evaluation is an important first step. Hopefully the results of this evaluation will pinpoint the underlying causes of her behavior. The behavior may relate to Alzheimer’s disease, normal aging, or other factors. This may lead to appropriate treatment to alleviate her agitation and mood swings.

Also, you mention your own frustration and your need to “leave the house for a few hours.” I would suggest extricating yourself is a good idea, but I would suggest that when you do leave, you have another person home to oversee your mother’s potentially self-injurious behavior. Often in situations like this, there is also some degree of anger as well as frustration. One can get furious with the amount of care that is needed. In some cases there is a sense of shame over not being a “good daughter.” There is often an underlying sense of fear: “Is this hereditary? Will I wind up like her?” A psychiatric consult for you regarding hereditary factors might also be in order.

The last statement in your question is the most telling. “Is there anything I can do to contain her moods?” Frankly, I think not. You will not be successful in an attempt to “change” the behavior of an 89 year old person. Rather, as you mention, you have to be mindful of and pay attention to your own mental and physical health. Get someone to look after her and take short vacations when you go out. Have a meal with friends, take a class, take a long walk, engage in some exercise, eat and sleep well. Worry less about her and more about you. Be kind to yourself!

Dr. Manuel S. Silverman, PhD