Mother Accused of Trying to Kill Autistic Daughter
Last week there was a story about a mother who has plead guilty for attempting to kill her autistic daughter, and herself, by lighting a charcoal grill inside their vehicle. They both suffered from carbon monoxide poisoning. The daughter was in a coma but has since recovered. The mother has recovered too and is now on trial for attempted murder/suicide.
The mother was a blogger and autism advocate.
This is a tragedy and cuts to the core of what many care-takers face each and every day. The depression that comes from taking care of someone who will not be getting better but will continue to need care for decades to come can be overwhelming.
The daughter in this particular case is 15 years old and severely autistic. Caring for a child who is severely disabled is challenging and heartbreaking but a child is much easier to control, lift and hold off when violent behavior happens. A 15 year old who is kicking, biting and punching can be nearly impossible to contain.
That rationalization doesn’t make what this mother did right but it does shine some light on how desperate caretakers can be. I don’t know why the parents didn’t put this child in an institution before it came to this point but I understand why they might have chosen not to.
Raising a special needs child is difficult but the definition of special needs is a very wide spectrum. You hear of celebrities who make caring for a child with autism sexy and yet what isn’t discussed so much is that the range of autism includes kids who barely function on their own yet are filled with rage.
20 years ago an autism diagnosis was a horrible thing to hear because it meant you had a child who couldn’t relate to the world without substantial assistance. An autism diagnosis 20 years ago meant something different than it does today for the majority of people who get one. The rest, the ones who are severely autistic, have an incredibly difficult road to tow which means some serious decisions need to be made by the time the child is too big to carry.
I understand why this woman might have felt so helpless and overwhelmed that she didn’t see that there was another option besides death. I suspect she felt hopeless. Her child was never going to grow up and become autonomous. She was not going to grow out of the difficult phase and she was not going to ever be able to care for herself. From a mother’s perspective, if she can’t take care of herself that only leaves her mom to care for her. That’s an overwhelming thought.
So why didn’t the mother just kill herself and leave the child alone?
I suspect that the mother believed that no one would take care of her daughter as well as she did and didn’t want to see her in a group home where she might be abused or neglected.
Thankfully both the mother and the daughter survived but if we don’t begin a discussion on support for caretakers we’re going to see more of this as our baby boomers age.
If you are a caregiver and feel as if you’re at the end of your rope please talk to someone. You can call us at Locus Therapy at 312-218-7380 if you need support in Chicago. If you are located outside the Chicago metro area please check out the Caregiver Action Network.
If you are in crisis and need to talk to someone right now please call 911.
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